But I had to travel far to find this truth
I have an extremely pessimistic view of the future. Personally, I think it is realistic, based on the data available to me. Most days, it feels like civilization, if you can call it that where I live, is in a state of decline. This feeling of hopelessness pervades many other aspects of my life. I am working on it in therapy.
This hopelessness contributes to my desire to wander, to travel far enough that a passport is required. Recently, this unsettledness carried me to the chilly but sunny February streets of Edinburgh, Scotland.
On that beautiful clear and crisp morning, I walked from my hotel near Waverly Station, through Dean Village, and then to the modern art museums. There are two of them, Modern One and Modern Two, aptly named. They are large (not wee) stately old buildings in wide grassy park-like expanses.
As I approached Modern One I began to make out a large neon sign across the neoclassical facade. It was a strange juxtaposition of new and old. When I got close enough to read it, I saw that it said, in all caps, “EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE ALRIGHT”.
I stood alone on the lawn staring at it for a few minutes.
I started to think that it was put there specifically for me. The sign was a sign.
What if I was wrong? What if everything is going to be alright? How much valuable time in a finite and rapidly passing lifetime am I sacrificing to anxiety?
I am on a journey. A few years ago I decided to leave the career and the work I never enjoyed for a different, simpler lifestyle. This occurred at an age when I was in the peak earning years of my life, and I had several years of gainful employment ahead relatively guaranteed to me. I decided to make time to pursue things I enjoyed, such as art, traveling, writing, and taking care of dogs.
I don’t know what the final destination is for this journey, other than inevitable death. And I am still not completely comfortable with the decision. On bad days, anxiety about the future causes self-doubt and a desire to run back to my old life.
There is also survivor’s guilt, the realization that I got out of the dumpster fire and saved myself.
“You will either step forward into growth, or you will step back into safety.” ― Abraham Maslow
In therapy, we talk about uncertainty and the idea of accepting it as part of the journey I am on. I have made considerable progress, I am no longer frozen in place like a deer in the headlights. But there is still more work to do.
When I saw that sign in Edinburgh, I knew deeply that it meant something, and that my finding it was important. I didn’t know what or why though. Over time I reflected on it. The outcome of this journey, all of our journeys, is unknowable. Therefore, I choose to take the sign as a validation of the journey itself. I think of each small forward step I take, every decision I make or do not make, and try to accept that in each case, I am doing the right thing and that I will be OK. The journey is what matters, not the final destination. Per Maslow, as long as I am still moving forward, everything will be alright. That sign helps to keep me on my path.