One of my long-standing problems is social anxiety. I am extremely introverted. I can do pretty well in a 1-1 conversation, but as the group setting becomes larger, my anxiety grows. It is nearly impossible for me to start a conversation with a stranger, I do not know what to say. I am overwhelmed by the urge to escape the situation, to run away. It manifests as a pounding headache, tightness in my throat and chest, and difficulty breathing, that I am experiencing right now as I relive these experiences by writing this story.
Unfortunately, my introversion and social anxiety were things I needed to overcome on an almost daily basis during my career. I always seemed to be in positions where I had to be “on” all the time. There were presentations for customers and public speaking at conferences. Large workplace social events were always part of the equation. Later in my career, I was a small-scale manager and leader of a team. Part of my job was to be engaging, and enthusiastic in conversations all day long. I believe it did it all well, but it was depleting.
I coped by creating and putting on a “Work Personality”. I used to call it that, but it was more schizophrenic in practice. I had to muster the strength to become a different person every day. My wife often commented when she overheard me at home on the phone using my work persona. “Who was that guy?” “I’d like to talk to him more often.” Unfortunately, “Work Bill” was not the real me, and I could only keep up the act for so long in a day before I was wiped out.
I wasn’t always able to pull it off. There were cracks in the armor. After one particularly demanding work event and dinner many years ago in New York City, at the end of the night, I had to run away. The stress was so overwhelming that I had to escape the room to get relief and breathe again. As my teammates piled into taxis I walked back to my hotel alone through much of Central Park after midnight in the snow. It was blissful, the juxtaposition of walking alone in the quiet night compared to the chaos of conversations was stark. Twenty years later, I don’t remember anything about that night other than the sound of my feet crunching in the snow as I walked.
Then Came A Wedding
My anxiety came roaring back recently at a family wedding. I anticipated it would be difficult for me, I knew I would need my old work persona to navigate the event. Unfortunately, after the ceremony and dinner, among the large group of guests, I was uncomfortable, irritable, and suffocated. A few people noticed and commented that I wasn’t having a good time. I had the same difficulty breathing and weight in my chest. I had to get away, walk outside, watch the sunset, and seek out a smaller group outside the pack. Years out of practice, I could not activate my alter-ego, I did not have the strength. I may have put on the same suit that evening, but I was no longer Superman.
These are emotions I have always had. I thought I was coping with them by creating a new persona, but in reality, all I was doing was suppressing. I tried to keep the anxiety buried by brute force and determination. That never works. And now I don’t even have my old mask available anymore.
My therapist once advised me about suppressing feelings, placing a weight over them, and keeping them from coming out. Those feelings locked down in the basement don’t die. They start lifting weights, taking steroids, and growing in strength and anger. I think I added the steroids part. Until one day, they grow so strong that they can’t be held down anymore and burst out in a rage. That is what happened at the wedding. It happened a lot in the past too, I just didn’t understand it.
I think the “Work Bill” persona is dead, left behind during the process of growth and evolution into the person I am today.
But maybe this is OK, I prefer time alone or with a few people anyway. It is my natural state. My wife and two dogs are all the company I need right now. While I enjoy traveling with my wife, I recently spent two weeks in the UK traveling alone and had a great time. I am very comfortable with solitude.
My approach of largely ignoring this problem seemed (to me) reasonable considering my current life situation. Large gatherings would be very infrequent for me anyway. However, there is this one challenging thing, I have another wedding coming up.
Time For a Better Plan
This next wedding is my daughters’, and I am looking forward to it. However, it is another scenario where I must be ‘on’, personable and social. As a parent of the bride, I will need to mingle. My daughter expects me out on the dance floor. I want to do it all and do it well. Running out of the room for a walk will not be an option and I cannot rely on my old persona. I want to be genuinely there for my daughter. So what am I going to do about it?
- Talk to my therapist. I will seek help to build healthier coping skills. This will likely also help me understand what core beliefs and experiences I carry that make this problem so difficult.
- Recognize anticipatory dread. In the days leading up to the most recent flare-up, I obsessed over how I would struggle in a large social setting. I will be more present in the future, allow myself to recognize when the anticipatory anxiety is happening, observe it, and then let it pass.
- Breath and mindfulness. I will take time for deep controlled breathing, especially when I feel anxiety setting in. I completely forgot about that this time around.
- Remember it is not about me and my problems. My daughter’s wedding day is about her, I will keep reminding myself that time spent in anxiety is a distraction from what I should be focused on.
- Gratitude. I will take time to be grateful to be present at a joyous event and grateful for my daughter’s happiness.
- Get people talking about themselves. Ask questions. Part of my anxiety stems from the fear of having to talk about myself. I am not ashamed of anything but I live a life that most people don’t understand. Rather than get frustrated and have to explain it, I will just ask questions to the many guests I will have to chat with. Most people would rather talk about themselves than anything else, I think.
This is an unfinished story, I don’t know how it will end. I hope it will be on a positive note. Perhaps it will help me if I decide to go back to a full-time corporate job as well. I would like to be able to do that with greater ease. It is time for me to take this on and deal with it properly.
Updates to follow…